Life At Pardes - Pardes Moments
Sticking it Out with Gemara
When I first arrived at Pardes I was surprised to learn that the method of studying/learning was in Havruta style. I had never really done that kind of learning before and I became anxious at the thoughts of having to choose someone to study with, hope that I liked them, hope that our learning styles jive, and that we would be able to extract from the text the concepts and themes expected of us. But the first day of my Mishna class put all that anxiety at ease. Our teacher was young, bubbly, energetic and LOVED TALMUD! When it was time to choose a Havruta, I asked the girl next to me and she agreed and we went to the Beit Midrash to begin learning. We hit it off immediately and instantly jived. Our learning styles were not the same but they complemented one another and we felt so comfortable with each other that our teacher would often smile knowingly when she walked by, hearing us argue and debating over the finer points of our text. I discovered very quickly that I loved learning Mishna and I loved learning with my Havruta. We continued on this way for the rest of the semester knowing that when second semester came, we could switch from learning Mishna to learning Gemara.
Now, I grew up pretty observant and went to a Jewish day school but I didn’t have the best experience there and often felt challenged by the teachers for the way I practiced Judaism. I had learned a little bit of Gemara and had only negative memories of learning in a meaningless way that didn’t allow me to connect to the text or relate it to my every day life. So, as we approached the end of the semester, I began to feel anxious again, anticipating only negative feelings again when I opened up a page of Gemara. I kept telling myself that I had to be open-minded and that everything had changed since I was little and that I could make it positive.
But then the first day of Gemara came, and my Havruta and I began to study the text our teacher had given us. Immediately, I felt angry, frustrated and resentful. But of what, I wasn’t sure. I tried to shake myself out of it but over the next several classes, it became clear that I was just unhappy. Things weren’t working out with my Havruta anymore because although with Mishna we were really in sync, when it came to Gemara, our styles didn’t “jive” anymore. So, we “broke up” as they say in Pardes slang, and I became more and more angry until one day we were in class and our teacher, who had definitely noticed this change in me, asked us to discuss the importance of studying Gemara. I froze. There was so much anger and frustration inside me and I knew if I broke the dam, the feelings would burst out of me. I sat and listened to people share their enthusiasm, eagerness, and excitement over studying Gemara. I felt my emotions bubbling up inside me and I knew I couldn’t contain it anymore. I raised my hand and then the dam broke. I began to cry hysterically and angrily and just spewed my thoughts on how pointless it was to study a text written by old, sexist men over 2000 years ago! Everyone just sat and listened. Afterwards, my teacher asked me to stay behind while everyone else went to the Beit Midrash. I did and we talked. She told me that she, too, struggled with connecting to the text when she first began to study and that she often felt angry and resentful towards the text in ways it spoke to her Judaism. We spoke for a long time and slowly I felt the anger and bitterness seep out of me. She really understood my struggle. She respected it and she allowed me to feel my feelings. I knew it would not be easy to get through the semester and that I had some personal obstacles to overcome but I remember leaving that class, knowing that no matter what, I was not going to quit. I made a deal with myself: it didn’t really matter if I ended up understanding everything we were learning but rather that when I finally left Pardes, I would no longer feel that anger towards Gemara that I felt for so long. It has been a bumpy three months but every day I remember that deal I made with myself and the patience and support of my teacher and I know that I will do this, I will come out of it on the other side and feel really proud of myself.
Marni.
Boston, Massachusetts
Beginning Masters degree in Social Work at Columbia University
Year Program 06-07