Life At Pardes - Pardes Moments
Disagreeing as a Sign of Commitment
It's funny, while I was at Pardes I never really appreciated just how much I learned. I mean, sure - there were a bunch of practical things, but I've been so happy to come back and realize that the 'Pardes feeling' still is with me.
I really feel genuinely comfortable in my own Jewish skin now, something I didn't feel before. I was going about my life feeling that I was being Jewish in a wrong way, because the young people I know here in Copenhagen have quite a different take on their Yiddishkeit, and me and all of my questions were out of place. I can't tell you how often I've been told that asking questions, scratching the surface (and, dare I say it,) challenging rabbinical authorities were "a sign of me making up my own religion". And because I was so often told that asking questions, and being unable to accept some of the answers, was a sign of a weak faith, I ended up feeling really rotten about having doubts, uncertainties and struggles. But then, the epiphany Pardes :-) that was really the greatest gift I could have: a forum for asking questions, discussing answers, agreeing, disagreeing, as a sign of commitment to Jewish tradition and religion. Suddenly it was not only OK, but something we all did. Hurray! and of course, the best part: my own faith got so much stronger. I now feel at peace with myself. That sounds so cheesy, but it's true. the revelation of accepting that there are questions I might never be able to answer and there are answers I'll never like, but that's OK - and plenty of other people feel the same way.
So, it is truly amazing to be able to 'relax' now (not afraid that unanswered problems will knock me over) and just keep learning and growing in my own way! I had an interesting experience last week: An organization had a group of Yeshiva-students up here for an outreach program, and for me it was an eye-opening thing to see how different an approach to Jewish learning they had. Some of the classes were very inspiring, but there was a lot of talk about "Judaism says...X" and "Jewish people must do ...Y", and no Havruta...I'm not bashing them, but I was such a 'happy camper' sitting there knowing that my spirituality was OK even though I was disagreeing with the person talking.
Karoline H Copenhagen, Denmark Summer Session I 05