Uncertain, scared, anxious, but making aliyah anyway

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Uncertain, scared, anxious, but making aliyah anyway

BY: BROOKE COLLIER Special to the CJN

Seven months ago, I could have waxed poetic on the importance of living in the Jewish homeland, the greater meaning of life there, and how moving to Israel was a message to terrorists that they would never win.

But, as I came back to Cleveland from Philadelphia to spend three months with my family, I found myself suddenly filled with doubts that were compounded by the war raging in Lebanon and a continued security issue.

I spent July 2004-July 2005 in Jerusalem learning Hebrew in an ulpan for six weeks and studying for the academic year at the Pardes Institute of Jewish Studies to increase my limited knowledge of the holidays, rituals, laws, and Jewish philosophy.

My time in Israel was magical - I felt that the air that I breathed was different, that there was electricity in the air, that I was part of something greater. I thought of staying to make aliyah at the end of the year but decided to return to the States to complete my master's degree and make my decision away from such a pro-aliyah atmosphere.

As much as I loved living in Philadelphia, I felt that there was something lacking. I realized that I could not live the kind of Jewish life that I wanted outside of Israel, and I missed the connection that I felt with everyone around me in the Jewish state. So, in March I applied for Israeli citizenship and booked my one-way ticket - a “gift” from the Israeli government.

When I was in Philadelphia, I was set. I was excited; I was sure. Then I came home to Cleveland. I have spent the summer with family, strengthening ties with my parents, grandmother, sisters, brother, and four adorable nieces, only to know that I will rip apart the seams when I board the plane.

I have to turn away when my 4-year-old niece says, “I'm going to glue myself to you,” or when my father quietly pleads, “Don't go.” I struggle with the line between honoring my parents and honoring my own life.

I wonder if the hush inside the Old City during Yom Kippur or being a part of the vibrant Israeli society will make up for missing my nieces' birthdays and other family celebrations. To compound my questions, the war erupted. I asked a friend in Israel, “Am I being rational for thinking of going now?” She replied, “Israel is not rational. If it were, it would not be around.”

I am very cognizant right now of all that I am leaving behind, and since I have not been in Israel for over a year, I am not as sure of what I will gain.

One of the hardest things for me to leave is the relative certainty - a loving family, supportive friends, job opportunities, romantic possibilities, and a relatively easy American existence - for something so unsure: no apartment (I'll crash at a friend's for a few weeks); no job though some prospects exist; in the area of love, no prospects; and, most importantly, a precarious security situation.

The uncertainty is scary and something I have not been prepared to handle. Based on the society I have grown up in and the values of the culture - both socio-economic and religious - I have always been on a set path: a strong education from a good school, an approved career, continued accomplishments, and a suburban house with a weed-free lawn.

I was not bred for a “take it as it comes” or “in the moment” mentality. It is hard for me to sit with these uncertainties. There is much anxiety for me and for those who see me struggle with it.

But, if I frame the situation another way, perhaps I am on a path; I just cannot see very much of it because it is not straight anymore, and there are many leafy branches in the way. But, the leaves are beautiful, and as I board El-Al flight 028 with all my baggage - both literal and figurative - I'll push a few of those branches aside to see the next few steps.

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